


We Know We're Heroes (But We Still Feel Like Monsters)

by thinmint_writer



Series: Iron Widow [3]
Category: Black Widow (Comics), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Fluff, I tried really hard, IronWidow - Freeform, Other, Spidermom - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Tonynat, Tooth Rotting Fluff, implied suicidal thoughts, nat helps peter, natasha comforts peter, natasha is good at reading people, natasha romanoff tells her backstory, not graphic, peter feels sad, peter parker is an innocent hero, suicidal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 12:33:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18810991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinmint_writer/pseuds/thinmint_writer
Summary: “So are you going to do it?”Peter was a bit taken aback. “What?”“Jump,” she said breathily. “You asked your AI, Karen, what would happen if you jumped. Are you going to do it or not?”In this moment, the boy didn’t know where the situation was going. “Aren’t... aren’t you going to stop me?”Natasha shook her head. “Not if it’s what you want.” She took a seat next to him, crossing her legs and pulling her red-and-gold hair over her shoulder. “But you haven’t done it. Which means somewhere deep down... you know this isn’t what you want.”---In which Peter Parker is having suicidal thoughts and Natasha Romanoff finds him and comforts him and helps him feel better because she's definitely the SpiderMom and she gets what he's going through.





	We Know We're Heroes (But We Still Feel Like Monsters)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so this story does involve suicidal thoughts, but it's mostly just implied. Not graphic. Also, this takes place sometime after homecoming and Natasha is dating Tony and is pardoned, and also she has her endgame hair because I like it better. Thanks.  
> (also I can't help it I ship IronWidow so much it's going to kill me)

Peter Parker was just about done with life. Correction, he was so done with life. 

Everyone he loves dies. Everyone else hates him. And the few that don’t fit inside those lines don’t really care about him at all. That was his reality. 

Had he told anyone about his thoughts? No. It’s not as if they would care anyway. 

His entire existence was a mistake. Every single thing that’s ever happened to him has been an accident. 

His life consists of watching the people he loves get hurt while he’s busy stopping people he’s never met from dying. Because he can’t save everybody. 

So there he sat, on the edge of the roof of his apartment building. May was working the night shift this week; he was alone. He hated being alone. But it was better this way. 

“Hey Karen,” Peter asked quietly as he looked down at his web-shooters, then up at the setting sun. The orange blazed burned his eyes, so he looked back down at his feet. “What would happen if this time when I jumped... I didn’t catch myself?” 

He didn’t know what sort of answer he expected the AI to have. “From this height, the impact would kill you instantaneously.” 

He pursed his lips as he ripped off his mask; it’s not like he even cared if anyone saw him anymore. “So... it wouldn’t hurt?” 

“Death would be immediate,” she responded as if it answered his question. Which maybe it did. “This line of thought is dangerous Peter. Would you like me to contact Mr Stark?” 

“No!” he cried hurriedly, breath catching in his throat. “Don’t call Mr Stark. Don’t call Mr Stark.” 

“Are sure,” Karen asked, sounding almost hesitant. “Protocol states that I should—” 

Peter let out a dry, sad chuckle. “Screw protocol. Override.” 

Suddenly, he heard a voice from behind him. “Those are words I never thought I’d hear come out of your mouth, Peter.” When he turned around he saw the infamous Black Widow, also Tony Stark’s girlfriend. They’d met a few times, and she seemed to like him. “You’re always the rule follower, aren’t you?” She didn’t look upset or mad; she didn’t look like she felt anything. 

Peter swallowed, taking in a deep breath. “What are you doing here, Ms Romanoff?” 

“I’ve told you Parker,” she sighed as she walked towards him, until she was standing directly beside the place where he sat. “Call me Natasha.” 

“How long have you been here?” the boy asked shakily, looking back out towards the horizon. The sun had continued to shrink behind the buildings, and it no longer hurt to see. 

She looked down at him, quickly examining him. “Long enough.” Neither of them said anything for a moment, until she broke the silence. “So are you going to do it?” 

Peter was a bit taken aback. “What?” 

“Jump,” she said breathily. “You asked your AI, Karen, what would happen if you jumped. Are you going to do it or not?” 

In this moment, the boy didn’t know where the situation was going. “Aren’t... aren’t you going to stop me?” 

Natasha shook her head. “Not if it’s what you want.” She took a seat next to him, crossing her legs and pulling her red-and-gold hair over her shoulder. “But you haven’t done it. Which means somewhere deep down... you know this isn’t what you want.” 

Peter almost wanted to laugh. “How would you know that.” 

“Permanent solutions, Parker,” she began before stopping. “Temporary problems. And I’m good at reading people.” He didn’t reply, just played with the fabric of the mask in his hand. “You’re no one special you know.” 

He turned to look at her. “Gee. Thanks. You really know how to handle the situation.” Natasha smiled a little and shook her head at the boy’s dry attempt at some sort of humor. 

“Sorry,” she continued. “Bad choice of words. I meant... you’re not the only one that feels whatever you feel. Someone out there,” paused and gestured towards the ever-darkening skyline. “Feels the same way. And they may be closer than you think.” 

“What?” Peter asked, looking at her quizzically. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“You honestly think that you’re the only one of us that feels this way?” 

“Who’s ‘us’?” 

“You know,” Natasha told him. “You’re not the only hero in this world. And you’re not the only one that’s had to pay a price for it.” 

Peter rolled his eyes. “Yeah right. Like you would ever understand how it feels. You’re dating a billionaire; you’ve saved the world like, eight times. I’m just... I just feel...” 

“Like you should’ve been able to do more,” Natasha finished for him. “Like it’s your fault.” 

Peter nodded slowly. “Yeah. How’d you...” 

“Do you know anything about my childhood, Peter?” He shook his head. “Yeah sure, I may seem like I’ve got myself together. Some may think I have it all. It’s all a façade though; like sh*t I trust myself.” 

The boy swallowed a bit. “What... what was your childhood like?” 

“When I was younger than you, just a little kid actually, I was kidnapped. Taken. To a place called the Red Room.” She paused for a moment and turned her head to look at the boy, who was listening closely. “Twenty-eight ballerinas... twenty-eight of us and I’m the only one that turned out okay. Torture. Lies. Murder. It gets to you after a while. Sometimes you just wonder, why me? All those other girls... all the others that were taken, trained, and sold... why am I the one that got the happily ever after? Graduated, finally thought I was getting out of that hellhole. They sterilized me, sold me to the KBG; made me worse than I thought I could be. Barton... he was the only one that saw good in me. I didn’t even see it. Defected. Joined SHIELD. Turns out, even then I was working for the bad guys. I was working for the worse guys. And every time I think I’m going straight... I wonder if it’s just like every other time. Am I going to walk out of this one better or worse than I was when I walked in?” 

Peter gulped. “Wow... I’m sorry.” 

She shot him a weak smile. “It’s alright. But tell me. What are you doing. What upset you so much that you came here and sat on this roof and asked if it would hurt to die?” 

“I... don’t really know I guess.” He looked at her, and she silently told him to keep going. “I guess I just got tired of losing. My parents died in a plane crash when I was little, not much I could do there. But, it was only a little while ago when I lost him... my uncle.” Peter stopped as his eyes filled with tears, a silent sob escaping his mouth. Unexpectedly, Natasha put a hand over his arm. “I could’ve saved him. There was a robber... a gun... I could’ve saved him. But I didn’t.” 

“We can’t save everyone.” 

He shook his head vigorously. “No. You don’t get it. I could’ve saved him. I was already... this freak. But when they asked me for help, I didn’t. It wasn’t my problem... until it was. I could’ve saved him.” 

Once again, silence cut through the air. 

“You’re wrong, you know.” Natasha took a deep breath, looking out over the now violet sky. “I get it. Me... Tony... the ones that are still running... we might be the only ones that will ever get it. No one else can understand what we go through. And that's the hard part right?” He nodded. “Who can you talk to? You can’t talk to anyone because no one else gets it. No one else has the burden or the expectation. No one else has the gifts.” 

“How do you know they would get it? The Avengers?” 

She let off a small smile. “Because, despite what the world thinks, heroes are just like them. You’ve heard the stories, I assume, but they don’t know the half of it. Tony’s dad, the father of the man I love, didn’t get around to telling him he loved him until after he had already been dead for twenty years. Steve lost his best friend, then the love of his life, then got them both back and lost them again. Wanda’s parents were killed when she and her brother were ten, then the world called her a monster and when she tried to fix what she’d done they made her demon. It’s a terrible privilege Parker... we have the choice. The hardest choice. We can save the world, we know we can, but when we do...” 

“We still lose,” he added sadly. “Everyone wants me to take off the mask. They want to know who I am and they want to give me praise. Some want to give me criticism. But I don’t want any of it. I just want to be a normal kid. Not the kid that’s seen so much death. Not the kid that keeps getting hurt. Not the... not the kid that wants to die. I should’ve been a normal kid. I never got the chance.” 

“None of us did, Peter,” Natasha said quietly. “Well, maybe Sam. And I guess Steve and Bucky had normal childhoods in the forties. But Barton was raised in a circus. Thor was a prince. I guess Bruce did have a pretty normal childhood, except he was smart. Tony never had anyone to care about him and I already told you about mine. We all live with these burdens, Peter. One thing that no one ever understands is that just because we’re heroes... doesn’t mean we ever feel like we do any good. Most of the time we feel the opposite.” 

Peter just nodded. “But, we do good, right? We still save people?” 

“We do,” Natasha sighed. “We do.” Yet again; silence. “You never answered my question.” 

“What question?” 

“Are you going to do it? Are you going to jump?” 

“Would you stop me if I did?” 

“I would. Unless you could look me in the eyes and without a single trace of hesitation, without blinking, tell me that you didn’t want me to.” 

“I...” the boy stuttered. “I’m not sure anymore.” 

She smiled softy at him. “Good. Then I know to catch you if you try.” She stood up and held out of hand for him, helping him stand as well. 

“Are you going to tell Mr Stark?” Peter asked sheepishly. 

“No,” she said definitively. “Because you’re coming home with me and you’ll do it. And then you’ll tell your aunt.” 

Peter didn’t argue with her as she opened a door, leading to stairs to take them off the roof. He knew she was right. “Why were you even here?” 

“I told you. I’m good at reading people.”


End file.
